I'm wide awake!

You

This text is from the 6th of July 2014. It was a draft on my E-mail. I decided not to change anything on it and post it the way it was originally written, even though some things might have been a bit over the top. 

"Sind wir wirklich mutig genug gewesen?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYCOg-yglNM

(Pause)

It’s 6:13 AM.

I want to write you so much,

(Do I take the blame for everything that happened?, Am I the bad guy the went away for no reason?, Is this how you justify it to yourself before you go to bed every night?, Is this how you boost your ego?)

I don’t want to write down 

Now it’s already 6:29 AM.

I know I need to go to bed. I need to go to sleep and forget you. Forget the problems we had. Forget the times you left me in the past. Forget the times we had to work things out.

Moritz. I don’t think I have ever loved another person so much in my life as much as I have loved you. You’re connected straight to my heart, you suck on my emotions and feelings.

I’m tired of coming back to you. I’m tired of calling you. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of keeping the hope alive. The hope that we will change and “us” can work.

You know, you know it so well, how you went away from us twice in the past. You know how I called first both of the times, telling you I LOVE YOU, I want you back. Giving a chance to us. Giving a chance to you to see what you’ve had lost. Giving a chance to me to appreciate you more.

I felt so many times that you never really liked me. Up until recently, up until some months before our break up, I couldn’t feel honesty coming from you.

I tried for more than a year. I tried so long before I went away. 

That last year, you know you were emotionally fucked up. Right after Christmas. And until the summer.

I wanted to go away for so long. But I kept trying. Trying for us. You & me, together.

I wanted to go away right before the summer. But I didn’t. I gave us a shot. I gave us my land, the gift of my world. I gave you a chance to see better who I am. To understand how I grew up.

I was brave for us. You were brave for us, coming home to my folks.

I can’t believe it’s already been a year since we were making plans to go to Greece. I can’t believe, I’m still writing to you. I can’t believe I loved you so much, that you left such a big scar on my soul.

How did I love you so much? Why did I love you so much? Why do I feel that I need to help you?

You don’t need help. You don’t need to go into your forest. You actually don’t have a forest. That is my story. That was my imagination. That is my way of coping with things. That was how I tried to show you, a way to approach your problems. But thats not yours. Nothing is yours. Not even me. Not even my feelings. Nothing will ever be yours, you can’t have a part of my soul. Even if I come back to you a thousand times, most of them were out of pity. Or insecurity. But not love. Not majestic love. CAUSE YOU NEVER LOVED ME MORE THAN YOURSELF. YOU WERE ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU. YOU COULDN’T SEE PAST YOUR EGO.

I should had left you the first time, when you ditched me for your Masterarbeit. ;) I would have saved us so much drama, and myself two years of mediocre sex."

Thanks for reading!

I wanted to write a post,
thankful to all the people,
that took the time to read the blog,
throughout these 8 years. :)
in good and bad,
writing has never failed me,
and since I normally dont have a place for thoughts,
(I wouldnt really trust a notebook)
this has been my place,
my peace of mind,
a really good friend.

Thank you!